Literally just got out the shower at my old school’s gym and sat on the trunk of my car/temp home, imagining myself getting interviewed by an indie music magazine. Pretty sure I went insane for a minute :
"So I heard you took showers at your alma mater’s gym when you were homeless?"
“Yeah, they were better than any showers I’ve ever taken. ”
“Did you work out a lot?”
“No. I stopped when I was like 19 or 20. It was like ‘Okay, I have a 5 pack. I did it. Now I don’t care anymore. Goal accomplished. On to the next thing in life.’ But I still just wanted to be ‘healthy’. “
“Yeah… The ratio of fat-to-muscle composition and effort it takes to have a 6 pack was too much. I didn’t have the patience nor interest. I’m only motivated to look hot in a relationship. I just want to please the partner who decides to see past that stuff so there’s more chance that they can see past it again when I’m old and smelly and wrinkly. Stupidly one of the reasons I stopped working out was from the increase of attention I received. Should’ve just worn baggy clothes… Backwards logic. It’s kinda needy to some people but neediness has gotten me to where I am, even though I sadly destroyed those reservoirs… I miss them. ”
” Sounds like you have abandonment issues? “
” Not that I know of. Apparently I’m just a people-pleaser though. I’m sure it comes off in my music. “
“It sure does… ”
[laughs] “Yeah, I get really annoyed with myself without validation of success outside myself. The more people that don’t relate to my music, the more and more I feel like an alien. Or that I just suck.” [laughs]
“Have you been to therapy for that or something? ”
” Yeah. My therapists have told me that I care too much about what people think. But like, I know that if someone doesn’t like my music, even though I write for mass connection because that is where my heart is, I can still tell myself that it’s also not for everyone. Have you been to therapy? “
” Yeah. “
” Why is that funny? “
” I’m just thinking of the amount of people judging us right now and wondering WHY DID PETE GO TO THERAPY MULTIPLE TIMES OH MY GOD HE’S CRAZY. It only used to happen just because I couldn’t please someone I loved. And that’s pretty human in my opinion. Now I go to therapy just because I have too much attention and I don’t know how to hide from it or what to do with it. “
I learned my neediness from a needy person. I wish I knew that from the start.
I need help. Who wants to talk to me?
"Abuse can have a confusing. hurtful. frightening effect which makes you feel emotionally unsafe. You may begin to doubt yourself, your senses, your opinions, memories, beliefs, feelings, abilities and judgment. You may begin to express your opinions less and less freely and find yourself doubting your sense of reality. You are likely to feel vulnerable, insecure, increasingly trapped and powerless. This may lead you to become defensive and increasingly depressed.
Abuse victims often find themselves “walking on eggshells” around the abuser, hyper vigilant and afraid of when - and how - to say something.
You may find yourself constantly on your “best” behavior around an abuser, unable to relax or enjoy the moment because you are always anticipating the worst. Even when the abuser is in a good mood, you are likely to keep waiting for “the other shoe to drop”.
You may also begin to blame yourself for their bad mood, behaviors or actions and hope things will change, especially through your own love and understanding.
People who are abused often long for the nicer, caring side of their partner, family member, friend, boss or co-worker to come back. You may find yourself making excuses for their bad behavior and choosing to focus mainly on getting them back into their good behavior state.”
If a person is policing you thoughts - we recommend doing what you can to be who you are, think what you want and believe and feel what you feel and believe what you believe. You can’t easily change what you think, feel and believe and you don’t owe anybody an explanation for how you think, feel or believe. We are accountable for our behaviors - not our thoughts.
What do you do when you can’t get over things someone said about you that are false as hell?
'No, she just means when you get married, to pick someone who supports your goals.' In other words, a business relationship? Arranged marriage, only this time by Match.com's algorithm? 'No, a marriage based not on passion but on mutual respect and shared values—' Stop, listen to what you are saying. Why would you want a man who agreed to this? Why would a man want a woman who thought like this? The single greatest obstacle to turning women into fully productive members of the workforce, i.e. batteries, is not men obstructing them but their persistent belief in metaphysics. If the thing that is keeping women out of the underpaid labor force is “family”, then family must go, and if what pulls them towards family is love then love has to be a fantasy. You think you've figured out that true love doesn't exist, that it's all been a kind of romantic lie sold by TV and the media, that real life isn't like that; but what I am telling you is that you didn't figure this out, you were TOLD this. Now, constantly, by every modern TV show, by Lori Gottlieb and the zombies at The Atlantic, by your friends, by your parents— the trick was to get you to think you figured it out on your own. Grey's Anatomy is a terrible show but at least season one had the decency to be about having careless sex along the road to finding The One. You know where their passions lie now? Running a hospital. Yesterday's episode featured eleven minutes of two young, super hot doctors orgasming over the new X-ray machine and how great it is for both efficiency and patient care, it's almost as if the Disney Corp is doing its part to convince America that hospitals aren't in it for the money, they're warm and fuzzy places that are committed to helping patients with their fertility.
The system’s ideal woman is the single mother, she’s produced with her uterus and is willing to go all in on production/consumption, she has no choice. I’m not saying she wants to be a single mother, I’m saying that’s what the system wants her to be. That’s feminism. You can get married too, as long as he’ll make it so you get in at 8.